#sorry if it doesnt make sense ive been drinking

[birdricks]

i love the stars (j'adore les etoiles)

[chiiyuuvv]

can you do bestfriends!riize who has a crush on you reacting to you calling them babe or baby? thank you and anyway i love your works!! it's so well written :]]

• PAIRING — bestie!riize x fem!reader

• GENRE — their a little slow.. fluff, my attempt at humor, honestly shit

• WORD COUNT — 462

• AUTHOR'S NOTE — sorry for not posting a bunch ive been working on some other stuff

• TAGLIST — @moonlightdarlings , @cake1box , @babigriin , @soul-is-a-strange-kid

MASTERLIST! – JOIN THE TAGLIST!

SHOTARO ☆

You had called him babe in of the members

Shotaros face red and his jaw dropped, along with the members looking around like, "their dating and their keeping it a secret?? 🤨"

Hes stuttering so much, someone help him.

Theres this stupid smile on his face and laughs bubbling out of him and hes staring at you with hearts in his eyes, hes so in love damn 😞

Definitely pulls you to the side, saying smth like "what are we??? :DD" praying on the inside you say "your girlfriend" ♡

EUNSEOK ☆

yes, you called him babe. Wait what????

"What?" Blinking at you repeatedly. give him a second hes malfunctioning

Lets out this smile that gives you the shivers, trying to calm down his racing heart

"No, youre just joking. Funny, actually."

Almost kisses you when you say you arent ♡

SUNGCHAN ☆

Goes along with it

"Yes im her babe whatcha gonna do huh?? 😡"

Drops down to his knees to kiss the back of your hand

What a damn minute..

YOU CALLED HIM BABE YOU CALLED HIM BABE YOU CALLED HIM BABE ♡

WONBIN ☆

Tries to laugh it off

Youre obviouslyyyyyyyyyy joking. He doesnt like the joke but he'll just accept it anyways

Theres noooooooooo way you like him too

So what if youre stroking his red cheek with this pretty, soft smile on your face and hes smiling back, feeling like he could fall in love all over again?????

Shoot- hes leaning it. Wait, what.. you are too???? ♡

SEUNGHAN ☆

Hes so gigglyyyyyy gosh

Wants you to say it again so he can let out a series of giggles, his face burning red as he hides it in your neck

Doesnt find your joke funny even though hes laughing his heart out :<

Looks up at you with hearts in his eyes. he wants to kiss you

He wants to make you his, call him baby forever. Will you let him? ♡

SOHEE ☆

Feel like he wouldnt notice at first, until someone like shotaro would have to slap some sense into him

"What, she just called me baby beca- OH MY GODDDDDDDDD"

feel like he would sing "love is an open door" idk why

Your words were like an energy drink, a gallon of sugar.. sugar rush rush sugar rush rush ahh????

But gets so shy when he sees you the next day ♡

ANTON ☆

Hes gone. Hes dead. Hes jumping of a bridge

Reminds me of that kermit the frog meme, the one where it falls of a building with its arms out all happily and such

Will not take his eyes off of you because what. Did. You. Just. Say????

Hes screaming, crawling up the walls on the inside (source: trust me)

Will dream about this the next 25 business days plus weekends thank you very much ♡

[dunmeshi-darlings]

Hewwo! So, I'm still thankful for the reincarnated s/o request.

If it's okay, may I please request a continuation? Reincarnated s/o reuniting with his and Marcille's kids?

Scenario: Marcille calls all of her kids, who were out in the world doing their own things, for a family get-together. Then, when they all show up, she surprises all of them with "Someone who you all loved just came back from the dead," then she brings in s/o who is a bit awkward since he still doesn't remember his past life, including his children.

sorry its been a bit since ive answered asks, been tired after my work lately and i dont want these imagines all you good people enjoy to suffer for it.

Even though you didnt remember marcille there were little things she did that felt like deja-vu. The way she moved her hair behind her ear, the way she would hold her drinks, all the little details feel so familiar. But all in all you still dont remember her.

It hurt marcille that you werent remembering all of your lives together, but the fact you were having deja-vu about little details here and there gives her hope. One day she asks you a question. "would you like to meet our kids? there all grown up now and wold love to see you again." you open your eyes wide, she hadnt said you two had kids together. It does make sense with how badly she reacted when you didnt initially remember her. After some debating you agreed to it, part of you was curious.

after some time all of them arrive. "Children, I found your fathers reincarnation...However he doesnt remember anything but he is having some moments of deja-vu. Im hoping this meeting may spark some more memories" Marcille says to your kids as she ushers you over, as you look them you definitely can see the resemblance to the two of you. It was so strange seeing these people who were apparently connected to you in such a way.

Some of them hug you tightly, saying how good it is to see you again. Some of them have tears falling from there eyes. Others however take a more measured response and say its nice to meet you, asking if you remember anything and how its been being with mother again.

As you look at each of them you cant help but feel happy, sure you dont remember them but you cant help but feel a connection to each of them, and a strange sense of pride and love towards each of them. You were happy to see they were all doing so well and were happy and were glad to have met them in this life.

[transflynnscifo]

Thoughts regarding the Scifos

i felt like gathering some ideas that ive had and discussed with people in the past, combining them with what we have available from the novel translations of dnk. it'll be under cut for if you havent read the novels yet and/or havent finished tov.

this goes without saying, but obviously since this is all found within side content and not in the game directly, this doesnt mean its 100% canon. its only canon to a person if they choose to believe it!

also. this is all speculative so do keep that in mind!

but i want to take note of how much flynn's parents' influence (in the brief time they've spent with flynn) could be felt on him. obviously, this wont be an ideal look at it, as writing and ideas about flynn's parents wasn't a thing in the game, and instead started with the first strike movie (unfortunately, some plot points contradict with things within the game. this is not the post to talk about that though). flynns past is explored further in the novels, which released around 2015/2016

firstly, it would be good to try gather whatever confirmed info there is on flynn's father. flynn's father in dnk doesnt even have a name attached to him! but i decided to stick with the name we get in first strike: finath scifo. for starters, let's stick with only the information from the novels.

it's heavily implied that the scifos all come from the citizen's/public quarter. finath's death was enough of a blow to norein and flynn that they needed to part with their former lives and move to the lower quarter. with how sickly norein is shown to be, it becomes apparent to me that finath was the sole breadwinner of the family. you could argue that he probably wasnt a very important position of a knight too, since becoming a captain is pretty hard. (flynn is the spiders georg of knight promotions) hence, finath probably wasnt even that rich (but still doing fine when compared to the lower quarter residents). if he didnt earn much to begin with, then it would make sense why norein had to resort to selling most of her and flynns possessions and move out.

as to how he must have been as a person... clearly, his own sense of justice affected norein enough for her to wish to follow the same principles, even if it meant her death. the question i want to pose though, how much of his sense of justice can we infer? was he actually against people stealing? how much of his worldview has influenced flynn in the novels?

with how flynn seems to act about the dark wings in the novels, its possible to say yes, finath was against stealing. but even then, i cant find myself saying this with complete certainty. this is because norein makes the choice to not drink the panacea, and it's already been years since finath's death. i feel her memory of finath and the choices she makes must have been motivated by her own mental state, too, besides finath's morals.

when it comes to flynn, finath actually started teaching his son swordsmanship before age 7. historically speaking, trainings for knights in noble families started from age 7, when the child is considered a page, whose job became to serve the senior knight, as well as learning swordsmanship. with flynn even having a book on techniques that he continues learning diligently from, its apparent that finath had ambitions for flynn to follow in his footsteps. i feel i could argue this could also be part of the reason why flynn is so adamant about not besmirching techniques for the knights, and why he chides yuri about it (both in the novels and in the game). by doing the same techniques, it's like flynn is able to honor his father's death, even if knighthood itself is a sore spot for him at the time.

i also want to note the words norein uses in her posthumous letter to flynn: [source from this chapter]

You may not be able to understand the choice he made, or the choice I made, right now. I’m sorry for not being able to stay by your side until you did. Even so, I still hope that you will understand one day.

(emphasis in bold by me)

once again, it all comes back to choices and living (or dying) by them, a central theme of vesperia!

the wording here is fascinating, as we never quite get an explanation as to how finath died in the novels.

but ultimately, it was still a choice he made that lead to his death. norein probably knows how finath must have perished. does flynn? with how dodgy he is on the topic, it could be argued for either way. in my opinion, with how the novels follows flynn's perspective sometimes, it doesnt seem that bit in particular turmoils flynn. it makes me think he is probably aware of how finath died, but simply hasnt been able to fully come to terms with it (much like how he later struggles understanding norein's choice to not drink the panacea)

i feel like such an honesty on how and why both his parents died is a double-edged sword for flynn. while he is able to know the truth, it also makes him close off with his thoughts at his lowest. granted, this isnt fully visible in game, but id argue its one of the possible reasons he spends so much time coming to terms with different things and ruminates about it even when in the party (such as yuri's killings). in fact, in-game, he takes alexei's betrayal pretty badly, still wishing he could understand why alexei made this choice even in the latter's boss fight, much to yuris surprise!

let's move on to norein for now. we know she is sickly, and it's clear that she hasnt been the same since moving to the lower quarter. flynn tends to her on many days, and she requires his help on many things even as he is young. she's made the hat for flynn in the past, but you never find her making anything similar again. if she had any particular interests and passions, finath's death took them with him.

it's when she is able to teach the lower quarter how to read that she briefly regains a spark of life, and a purpose to do something. and when she is hit with the (presumably aer-related) sickness, she sinks back to how she'd been. she refuses the panacea from jiri, because it meant going against finath's ideals, and chose to die.

it's easy to infer that she was an incredibly depressed woman. and when she was hit with such a deadly sickness, i think she was simply waiting to die from it. obviously, it's a painful and a pretty terrible choice to have, especially as she does ultimately leave her son all alone. on the other hand, she believes flynn wouldnt be alone in the community of the lower quarter. its hard to completely rationalize her choice, as it all seems motivated by her own mental state. such as the fact she may also display some form of self-deprecation? how low would one have to be doing to think their child will be ultimately alright after their death?

what does all of this say about flynn later on? you see this as soon as chapter one of the novel. he doesnt wish to be a trouble for, or have his negative feelings be known by his mother. he puts on a smile, and isnt entirely honest with her when the other boys pestered him. he goes for the river escapade for his mother's health's sake, and not for any other known reason.

even when she dies, flynn is never able to get out of that behavior. as is noted in the last chapter for part 2, it's like he had no desire for anything. this was said about him not spending money, but this line seems to ring true about flynn throughout the novel. this is obviously due to the grief he's been dealing with, but it's also indicative of something flynn struggles in the future too. he is never able to be a very selfish person. arguably, when he expresses selfishness, it actually ends up causing some things to go differently (such as when he insists going with the party to baction rather than lead his brigade up until the heracles scenes) (or how, arguably, his own insistence to learn knight techniques evolved into norein willingly teaching literacy to the lower quarter residents)

especially in his position as a knight, taking any time as distraction even to speak to yuri for a bit costs him valuable time. this is already an issue when you become a captain of the knights, but its even further amplified when its an issue flynns been dealing with since childhood.

but when it comes to it, it seems to me that there have been some vague attempts for flynn to stop concerning himself with knighthood, from noreins end. i dont mean it in a "she was against it", but in a "she didnt encourage him" way. for one, flynn didnt have his first sword back for quite some time, until chapter 3 of part 1 in the novels when he and yuri bought it back. so he wasnt able to train with a sword by looking at his manual. and yet, the manual was the single thing flynn had left of knighthood and of his father.

finally, i want to invoke the reason the first strike movie gives for finath's death, and how it may have affected norein and flynn.

(this is incredibly speculative)

the movie says finath "disobeyed orders". for a knight who seems to have had astrong g sense of justice that affected both norein and flynns sense of right and wrong, it makes one wonder:

a) was he truly uptight about morals, and made an exception that resulted in him dying?

b) or was he more lax with strictness, but thebreader is getting a warped sense of his views through norein in the novels? a more back or white reading of his views, as opposed to nuance?

when norein declined the panacea, was that her way of affirming finath's morals when he didnt at his death? was the memory his family has of him sculpted into an ideal, rather than remain that of a person they knew?

we dont even know his name in the novels.

when looking back to the game, flynn is textually treated as the shining light of the imperial knights, and the light to yuris dark. yuri also has, by act 3, put him on a pedestal, undermining the equal standing they otherwise are shown to have in game. because yuri thinks too little of himself as a person, and thinks flynn of more than simply the person he calls his best friend.

and ironically enough, flynn in his youth makes the choice of sticking to knighthood, and ultimately, sticking to his beliefs. in the future, its a path where he has to numb down most of his desires for the sake of following his principles. he unknowingly may have made the choice of sacrificing his selfishness.

for his beliefs, finath had made a choice that resulted in the separation from his family. for her beliefs, norein forgot all that she had to live for, and gave up.

is it for a similar reason that flynn doesnt protest his commandant position? (there are hints that the commandant position broke alexei, after all)

...here is a final thought to chew on in regards to finath. stage play spoiler. its in rot13 cypher:

va gur fgntr cynl, gurer vf n fprar jurer nyrkrv naq sylaa gnyx. va gung fprar, nyrkrv zragvbaf sylaaf sngure, juvpu gryyf gur nhqvrapr gung nyrkrv xarj svangu.

i wouldnt take the bit itself too seriously, as, again, its not something stated in the original source material, but it opens room for speculation, so i figured it can be shared

[itsyagurlchip]

today i'm gonna post all of my recent works- I hope you guys love it! because you all deserve it.

im not gonna say i did my best on all of these, but this is the most ive made in a little over a month. (I started this around feb 27th) and im super proud of myself!

ive had this funk around my mind for a LONG time, until the people around me started to push me out of it.

and that includes you guys as well! Im so glad to have met you all, happy 80+ followers!!!

the posts after these are gonna be queued, around 3-5pm CT, and they are filled with my preferences on headcannons and oneshots, just so you can get to know me a little better.

in them you'll find some fictional characters i'd really love to be in a relationship with, loose drafts, some inclusive things ive never written before, and overall diversity compared to the things i've written before. some may have a sprinkle of my personality, others with a handful of my culture. it doesnt matter! read to your heart's content.

if the reader doesnt relate to you at all- oh well. not trying to be mean or anything- but these are my preferences. These are things that I want to see. if you want something more, please request it.

and yes I do understand the difference between cannon and head cannon (I think about it all the time!) so therefore, some things may not make sense. unless there's context ig.

speaking of- i need more reqs TT-TT (sorry for asking, ive just been getting a lil drought recently)

back to it- you may also see the occasional digital art, depending on what's gonna happen. (im currently writing this on march 1st) and i'll finish it off with some new playlists ive been brewing up for a minute!

i may also need someone to remind me to add the links to the masterlist, as well as VGL💜. If someone could do that I will be eternally grateful

and thats it!

a few things I recommend while reading:

1) I know this sounds super specific, but my works were made with canary, but they all look better in goth rave (you can change the colors when you press dashboard on the pull out menu) 2) have an open mind! while I don't know much, or haven't researched, let me know if some of the things I describe are inaccurate. (this also includes grammar and typos!) 3) have a lil snakie snack. those who don't drink water aren't welcome past this point 😡✋🏾✋🏾

i just want to show you my appreciation for you all, and what better way to do it than doing what i started this blog for?

have a wonderful day my twizzies

(yes that is what im calling you all now, cope.)

(๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و tags: @kittykittyanon @radicallxser @oleander-nin @towomatos @thealphagirl @ziipzeepzop-eez @amorvincitomnia-14 @spongejuice. if you would like to be added, check my blog.

[sukirichi]

Sooooooo ive been thinking about something.

Iris told rin she also didnt want to keep the baby, what would make sense since she claims she wants to keep her perfect image and her marriage... And yet she did the whole 'grab stomach, no no i wont drink' bs in front of us... So that makes me think that either she DOES want to keep the baby what would kinda fuck up her plans to keep her marriage...... Or she wanted us to know she was pregnant. Cause lets be honest here, until now iris has been rather cunning and manipulative, she not stupid so i dont think the whole 'oh no i can't drink *holds stomach worried*' shit was an accident cause she just acted out of panic. Like??? Doesnt make sense?

She claims she wants to befriend us and that she wants us to be happy with rin and yet she does that shit, what was a really big 'im hiding something' scream?

Like it doesnt feel like she wants that much for rin and us to be happy and yet if she truly doesn't that would go against her keeping her marriage safe and sound cause she obviously knows kyoomi is into us, so keeping rin with us is her best shot to keep her marriage safe. (well that and aborting the baby)

And lastly she cried when rin was 'breaking up' with her, like??? She kept saying she doesnt love him or if she does its not enough to screw with her stability (sorry love if you dont love him 'enough' to screw with your stability, you dont love him period) and then she cried about it? Like either she likes him what i dont believe or she just cant stomach the fact shell lose her puppet and his attention cause at this point i think that's exactly what she mostly craves from him. (and you know the whole 'my pussy was lonely, omi doesn't fuck me bla bla bla')

So rn i dont exactly know what iris truly wants but its sus as hell 👁️

Hooe i explained my thoughts well ahahha shift pause rambles

oooh you’re onto something but iris holding her stomach was purely a reflex move because she panicked + she knew she wasn’t supposed to be drinking 👁 she doesn’t want to keep the baby, yes, but neither is she out here planning to harm her health or the baby’s health just bcos of it. there’s no need for them to experience any discomfort when she can just get an abortion is what she thinks

hmmm i see where you’re going at but iris has a diff mindset 👁 her marriage was fine before because 1) kiyoomi never left her or said he wanted to be divorced even if he didn’t like her, 2) her affair with suna really didn’t change anything bcos they’ve been going at it for years and no one cares and no consequences come from it. but !! now, suna is getting somewhere (meaning he might just become king because he’s persistent) AND kiyoomi is falling for reader, so omi might leave her. there’s also a good chance that this ‘peace’ she’s kept will be ruined once suna becomes king. also she was crying before rin broke up with her (notice the details that said when rin arrived, iris already had red, puffy eyes and looked tired - implying she’d been crying for a long time prior to him ending their relationship.) she wasn’t crying because rin was breaking with up her, she was upset that her life might be ruined now that she’s 🤰🏻

as for what she truly wants, its plain and simple 🤫 she just wants to remain protected and comfortable within the luxury of the royal family

[theygotlost]

the end of the watch 1.11: this is (not) discworld (episodes 7 and 8 double feature!)

sally shows up and accosts carrot in a bar restroom. no fucking joke she acts like one of those weird ageplay bitches on tik tok who do a disturbing little girl voice and pouty face. its literally fucking UNBEARABLE and i wanted to kill her so bad. btw she and death are the only characters with american accents.

vimes swaps bodies with Evil Vimes In Another Dimension, who's incarcerated in the tanty. he's thrown to "The Beast" for insubordination, which turns out to be Detritus

Detritus is apparently the "the best friend [vimes] ever had". they do a very heartfelt and slightly homoerotic forehead bump.

carrot and sybil are wardens of the tanty what i will refer to hereafter as the mirrorverse. mirrorverse carrot has a really scary middle part.

death asks carrot, angua, and cheery which one would be most likely to eat the others so he can "arrange his schedule". then he very shyly performs a 37 minute freestyle for them while playing the theremin.

in the mirrorverse carcer is captain of the watch after betraying vimes.

sybil somehow realizes vimes is an impostor when she kisses him. angua can also tell the impostor is sus by the type of aftershave he wears, which doesnt make sense bc they swapped minds and not physical bodies, so he would still be wearing the same aftershave???

this entire series has been building toward stopping the noble dragon but I genuinely forgot about the dragon because up to this point hasnt even been rampaging the city at all after the first episode? it just disappeared? and now its back?

vetinari locks himself in his "dungeon" which is actually a sick bachelor pad with sexy couches citing the line from gg that "you should never build a dungeon you would never want to stay in yourself". he chills out in a cunty red gown listening to jazz music. which tbh was pretty awesome

death asks to join vimes' emo band.

carcer stabs wonse for basically no reason.

throat dibbler is made head of the thieves guild.

carrot plans to lure the attention of the dragon bc he's a virgin and the dragon only attacks virgins. carrot has to learn to not be ashamed of his virginity like it's a gay coming-out narrative.

the matt berry talking sword requests to be worshipped as a "sex-ual deity"

im pretty sure angua they/thems cheery at some point but I might have just misheard her

in order to stop the dragon the watch puts on the best damn talent show ankh morpork has ever seen!!!! (they play in a rock band AGAIN.) cheery shreds the fuck out of the saxophone.

sybil intentionally sends goodboy out to seduce the dragon and it works.

carcer disintegrates from existence back to the future style and im still not sure why. the watch doesnt remember carcer and thinks wonse did all his crimes instead. as revenge wonse isekais vimes into an evil pocket dimension in what was likely meant to be a setup for a season 2 that will never happen.

and that's the show! many people have told me how brave i am for watching it and thanked me for my service but I want to be clear that i could NOT have done it on my own. this was a journey that @vampirejuno , @fealtyfaggot , and I embarked on TOGETHER. nico and ciarán deserve as much appreciation for their sacrifice as I do. ive also engaged in a lot of day drinking for this so sorry everypony please drink responsibly.

[upsidedowngrass]

reading your and jaspers posts about bryce with silent admiration because im too scared to contribute but i really love bryce so much hes my girlfriend and my husband and i like hearing u guys talk about him because youre Right. especially as someone who struggled from grief and trauma and being abused i think bryce's case interests me more than any of the other characters (even though liam is my favorite, and it says a lot because i find all of them interesting) because there is so much to him. i doubt he has processed a single thing about what happened. i think stellas death was recent too honestly, within the last few years at least, and he copes by... not coping. burying himself in work and drinking in the hopes to forget about it. not even to mention the fact that in episode 7 it showed him driving home drunk personally i feel he was past the point of caring to the point of engaging in risky/dangerous behaviors (this speaks for itself, i dont think i need to say why). i think that the plane impacted him so much that within those 7 months after leaving he got his shit together. i cant speak for if hes totally sober or not but at the very least he doesn't drink as much as he used to and i doubt he's putting himself in danger anymore. to be honest i think bryce is one of the characters who has changed the most because of the plane, which makes him being rejoined all the more interesting to me. im probably just making shit up but i like to read into it a little more than "bryce and liam were getting along but now theyre separated and liam has to fix it oh no". sorry this ask is kind of word vomit im not in the headspace to tidy it up but i hope you get what i mean

i think if one had continued for longer than it did it would have been interesting to explore bryce finally accepting and coming to terms with his past (him not seeing his childhood home in the wr anymore kind of representing this). i love bryce and he deserves to heal

TY!!!!!!! im glad my thoughts warrant admiration to you :D!!!!!!!!!!! (i will say tho that every time uve ever posted YOURE thoughts i am like ohhhhh.... ur SO RIGHT. i think u have some of the BEST interpretations of the one characters ive seen!!!!!)

(talked SOOO so much .so there is a readmore :) )

brcye really IS such an interesting character???? ik ive said it before but i AM biased towards protagonists so i usually focus on liam but like ...... bryce really IS probably one of the more. indepth ? characters in one in terms of like. background and how he Acts. i think ALL of teh characters are written really incredibly but i think, given how much of his bg is clarified (esp in contrast with how little is shown of the other characters lives pre-one) his motives, personality, emotions all end up being SUPER super elaborate and i REALLY love how he was written ??

(that said i think the reason he IS elaborated on sm is bc like. one doesnt elaborate on character backgrounds like MOST of the time. even charlotte is mostly left up to interpretation, bc one is more about the HOW people respond rather than WHAT made them respond that way. but charlotte and bryce are both outliers, and bryce ESPECIALLY so. because both obviously have Things they havent worked through properly, but bryce is directly just. Living in it. its the fact that he WONT acknowledge the actual Things that hapepned enough to heal that warrants the elaboration. while the other characters stop acknowledging ANYTHING about their lives , save for charlotte, who gradually works out her issues themselves, because THATS whats effecting her, bryce is CONSTANTLY just. he Needs to go back, but his problems ARE about what happened, and the fact that his life outside of the plane was what MATTERED to him, but that even then, he just Wouldnt acknowledge that life when he Needed to. idk if that makes sense but ohhh i think about the decision to elaborate on some characters and to not on others bc it feels Important)

hes so. he mirrors all of the contestants in some ways, but he mirrors amelia a LOT in that both of them respond to trauma by Setting It Aside. like That Trauma Cant Affect Me If I Dont Look At It. like. ur right bryce has NOT processed ANY of his trauma. which like it makes SENSE bc. it prob feels so much easier to him to not think about it by drinking instead, because its a Lot to think about. its a Lot to come to terms with. but bc he WONT acknowledge it but its still AFFECTING him he just gets More and More miserable (the detail about him driving home drunk and not even caring is so. :( )

what IS one of the most. compelling? aspects of his character to me is the way he responded to Everything after getting eliminated. bc it just feels So Real. because he IS healing, not completely, and not in the best way, but he clearly like. started putting SO much work into improving his life??? (the detail of him finally getting an end table for his bed instead of just... using a cardboard box ALWAYS gets to me. and that + the fact that the photo of stella is put up makes it seem like. THATS what was in that box. he LITERALLY started Unpacking thigns. its like poetry to me.) because it IS hard, and i think hes still putting things to the side, shoving the trauma from the plane to the side now instead of all his other grief and trauma. and the removal of the cans from his room yknow?? that hes getting up for work on time now?? its like. yeah i agree idk if hes necessarily SOBER yet but he really does seem like hes working really hard

its not perfect, but its BETTER and it feels. correct?? (and tbh? trying to brush off the plane as a dream isnt even teh worst thing he couldve done with that, i think, bc reasonably what WAS he supposed to do w that experience?? i dont think there WAS a good answer) bc the plane was a whole new kind of trauma. and i think surface level, one would THINK hed get WORSE after further trauma but like. i think he DID in some ways but in the ways that actually affected how he acknowledged and responded to his pre-existing trauma DID get better bc, as he puts it, hed Thrown his life away before, and didnt want to do it again. bc this time, he very well couldve died. and while he was on the plane, being home, on earth was SO much better than the plane, and it recontextualized Everything. hell, maybe after that, the earth finally felt Less daunting, like somewhere he Wanted to be, because for once, he WANTED to be back, and rationalizing That and the fact that he got Lucky, that something Worse couldve just full on Killed Him Forever really DID mean he didnt WANT the worse to come, at least not as much as before. but that meant he HAD to start actually Working on improving things, and i think he may not have Intended to acknowledge Worse things, but simply because the things he had to do to improve his life, like drinking less, making his house more Livable, they all Forced him to think about things More. hes still certainly not thinking about them as much as he Should, hes still not Processing things, but hes Heading in the right direction . he really was SO changed by ONE

and then liam showing up forces him, once again, to think about something he tried to push to the side. aaaaaaaandd then he rejoins and its so. it feels thematically fitting and IS so so SO interessting. because for once in his life hes REALLY facing his trauma head on. but then is brought straight back into it. and i need to think about that aspect more bc those thoughts are a bit less Focused than my other thoughts but given how complex his writing is after he gets OUT, its. SO interesting to think about how being BACK affects him

esp bc like. him starting ep 18 Pissed Off- which historically his responses to trauma are to either just Be Shocked, as depicted a LOT in ep 14, or to get Very Vocally pissed, as shown through the first half of s1, esp ep 6, and ep 11, and ep 13, and ep 18. ive seen it written as 'he doesnt have anywhere to direct the sheer amnt of STRESS and fear so he just. ends up yelling at people bc what else CAN he do' and i think thats?? probably fairly accurate. i dont think hes as Constantly Irritable and Irrationally Angry as fanon presents him , bc it tends to be. excessive. but he DOES get reasonably angry in response to stress !!! i always think abt how his body language in the 'credits' scene of ep 6 look like hes yelling at airy. and im. lays on the ground. i dont even know if thats ever as much 'just anger' as it is Fear and it FUCKS ME UP

but the way i see it, that ties to ep 18 a LOT. because he was really Getting better. hell, what he thought was the WORST that could happen HAPPENED (dying) but he. came out OKAY? its like he was being forced to think about and work through his trauma and he survived and was ok. but being sent back is like. 'oh god i did that all for nothing.' but i think it also sort of?? serves as the Last Push for him to really, REALLY acknowledge the plane (which is why it makes sense so thematically for him to be the rejoiner. he WAS the only contestant whod Chosen to ignore it all. but that has nothing to do with the plane, he cant choose if the plane ignores Him.) past talking about its affects, how its affected people. because after everything hed worked toward, hes Back. hes back, and everyone else is STILL HERE. liam had said they were all still There but seeing them there is a whole other thing. hed SEEN the effects of making it out after 7 months. but he never saw what it was like to still BE there after all that time. and bryce CARES about them (fanon sometimes treats him as if he is a bit. coldhearted? but i think people misattribute him being unhappy with liam as him not caring. i think the problem is that he maybe cares too much, and was affected a LOT, but didnt and doesnt know how to handle that. so he WANTS to ignore it, because it was all he could do, and haaving to backtrack on his haphazard healing from the plane is. highly daunting and uncommfortable and terrifying. thats not being cold though, thats VERY different) and now he HAS to acknowledge Everything, has to be a part of it Again. and i think its a combination of 'liam was here for 7 months after we all thought itd only be a few weeks. Anything could happen. who knows how long ill be here for?' and 'liam didnt have anything when he came back. will I have anything when i come back?? will i have worked so, so hard to heal and fix my life for Nothing?' and 'i dont WANT to be here again.' and 'oh my god all of them Really Really Are Here. Theyve been here the whole time.' and i think all that culminates in an appropriate amount of horror, and that prompts him to do what hes STARTED doing, which was All He Can. and hes pissed off cus hes terrified, so he spurs everyone into pulling out the plug. and then. it doesnt work. it doesnt work and thats the LAST of what he had, and i think iirc hes the LAST one to close his eyes afterwards. because hed BEEN off the plane, hes the one of them who had any hope to give them anymore. and it didnt work

(i also think a lot about how it mustve felt seeing the contestants all so. resigned. because bryce was like that before all this, but ever since one began he was stubborn, and didnt WANT to give up. and i think finding out that these people youd seen try so, so hard just to Handle Any Of This be SO resigned would be. so fucked up. he knew amelia when she was so determined to leave, and while charlotte seems a bit saddened by her resignation, bryce was there BEFORE that happened. he wasnt there like liam or charlotte was to see it gradually develop, and to develop that despair alongside them. all hes seen is that amelia was so determined. and that he may not have known her THAT well before, he knows shes different. he knows she Gave Up and like. GOD. and also i think abt how he mustve Felt seeing the plug for the first time because ehs the only one of them who hadnt seen it before (given its likely all the other characters had, since they casually refer to it). and given the short time frame between him getting there, and the contestants trying to pull the plug? it almost seems that that was like. the last straw. and ive never posted it but i once drew stuff abt it bc. the damage to it is noticable. and i think hes already aware liam was fucked up, but this is like. a tangible, permanent record of that on the plane. and he cares about liam, and has been grappling with all the things liams told him, but thats. thats something he can See. And i think it all of it culminates in him deciding that what hes been avoiding is doing Soemthing about all this, because before he couldnt, and then it was. an awful idea to, and then he didnt have many choices BUT to help. but now theres hardly anything to do, but he has to try. he doesnt want to give up. and it makes me soooooooooooooooooo. head in hands.)

anyway that was a LONG tangent the point is. YEAH. i think rejoining would be. very very significant for his character i dont think youre making shit up its DEFINENTLY a topic w a lot of things to discuss about it

but god. yeah it wouldve been SO nice to see him come to terms with everything hed been through before one. i think the show purposefully included what it did and ended when it did because it makes more sense thematically for it to go unresolved, because the point was that NOTHING was able to be resolved nicely because unfortunately, many things are Out Of Their Control. things COULDVE resolved almost perfect but enough things went wrong at just the right (or more fitting, wrong) time for all of that to not work. i think him no longer seeing the suburbs may have signalled more that maybe, just maybe, he could Do something to help the other contestants even if HE was Dead, that now he finally HAS a goal, if that makes sense (though i think even in the timeline of the series it still wouldve taken way longer for him to process everything Fully, they WERE only in the waiting room for probably about a day) but the idea of finally seeing the waiting room as it is bc hed finally worked through everything .... man.............. man

ik ive already said it though but i DO think it is sooooo so possible for him to heal post canon. im a firm believer that no matter what, at LEAST bryce and ameliaa get home (liam and charlotte have more room for error but i DO generally interpret the ending as them both getting home too, theres just less room for things to go wrong w amelia and bryce). and i think after everything? hed be able to heal. it would SUCK but i think hes, shockingly, in a better place Logistically for things to improve, because he has a support system, he has what hed already worked on in those 7 months, he has so much to aim for. it would be rough and take long but i think ultimately? hed be able to heal :) and its what he deserves

[nonclassyparty]

Ive been a silent reader of yours all this time but I have to speak up on this. I'm sorry but I just can't agree with this "San has done bad things but that's okay because so did others" that's like saying this murderer is horrible for killing innocent people but it's not really THAT bad(?) because there are others who committed murder too I don't know if I'm explaining it right because English is not my first language lol. Regardless if others have done bad things, it doesn't justify San's shitty deeds. One's bad deeds should never be downgraded/downplayed just because there are others who do bad things too so I find it pointless to bring up others like y/n seonghwa wooyoung etc when we're talking about San and the things he's done or why people think he's irredeemable. Also maybe because I've dealt with someone irl like starring role San and that's why his character is just irredeemable to me. Like I don't care how bad he feels after for doing what he did, the impact of his actions is still 10x more hurtful than whatever remorse or guilt he felt and the fact that he KEEPS doing it despite being self aware makes it even more worse than it already is actually. I wish we can have a conversation about people's terrible deeds without bringing up others to either make justifications or comparisons.

Like if a person killed somebody then feels guilty about it but then does it again. It just doesn't make sense to me (I know San is not a killer lol but I'm trying to make an analogy and this the best my non English speaking ass can come up with)

For me San is an asshole point blank period and if we're being for real, a person like him who grew up with that mindset can't change in as little as two years. Before anybody come here and say i'm team mingi and thats why I'm saying this, actually I'm team nobody. I'm just here to read this very entertaining and we'll written au 🥰

ouuuuuuu i love this, had to get a drink before i started typing. and don't worry your english is fine everything is great, i get what you're saying. soooo let's talk;

first of all, i need all of us to be on the same page here so let me ask you guys (all of you that actively participate in these little quiz nights 😭), what is it that san did wrong exactly? and i don't mean "he did this wrong so he doesnt deserve to be with yn" we're not talking about that and frankly don't care about, its what did he do wrong that makes him a bad irredeemable character? i'm genuinely curious about this.

while writing this story, i can think of two instances where he actually fucked up but still not to the point where its not redeemable.

you say bad deeds of the other characters shouldn't be brought up when talking about san's? and i disagree! you know why? it's not bc i'm trying to downplay his wrongdoings ( or trying to justify them, if it ever seemed like that then i probably didnt word myself right) or bc it's "Oh san my poor meow meow he can't be the bad guy!!!!!" but because all of the characters that i've compared him to are halfway ( if not the whole way) already forgiven by the readers and why is that? what makes them more redeemable than him and where is the line drawn when it comes to forgiveness? again we are not talking about relationship-with-y/n forgiven but "he's not the villain" forgiven bc apart from y/n's mother i don't think there are any other villains 😭

(and this is not defending san, he is an asshole i'll be the first one to say it bc i literally created him😭 but that's simply not all that there is to him bc as people we are not one dimensional. no one is all good and all bad, there's no such thing unless we're talking about idk psychopaths or something lol and just bc we haven't seen san's good towards y/n doesn't mean there's no good at all. i've already written all his parts for the next chapter so this is just a formal notice that i won't be trying to make him more appealing so he can get sympathy points or something and i can say that he won't be asking for forgiveness either but he will be in a huge chunk of the chapter and for all of you that plan on just blocking out everything he says well...u wont be having a good time😭)

[thegongoozlerreacts]

Cemetery Mary: Reginald's Route Part 2

now i am going to go get Reginald's good end! the bad end was,,,, it was,,,,,,, bad

anyways to get the good ending i'll just do the opposite of what i did the last time (and follow the ending guide lol)

spoilers belowww

ok so ive mostly been skipping thru everything and for some reason??? i keep ending up on the wrong routes?? like i accidentally got on the twyla route then the Crowven one like oopsies

not sure what i did wrong tho ?? i'll just start over

ok now im on the Reginald route, going shoppinggg time to get one wrong thing just to see what will happen ok nothing much happened just some dialogue

now to bring up the axe (bro he is so sus)

the cursed manga still freaks me out i skipped thru the church part but it still freaks me out also why did those people at the church look at Mary weirdly also im really curious about the black goo stuff,,, will i get an answer for it in the true ending or on the good end of this route?? im wondering if i should get the true end on Reginald's route (but it doesnt rlly matter which route i get the true end on since it doesnt change much apparently)

that part where Reginald gets mad at his neighbor makes me wonder if he's only super nice to Mary and around Mary like is his behavior different around other ppl when Mary's not around??

aww asking Crowven to stay,, cute

THEYRE SO CUTE AHHHH

now for Mary talking to the priest at the church,,, an interesting thing about this route is that Mary never realizes her ghost-communication powers, just gets caught up in some weird curse/wish thing in the form of defaced shoujo manga and a mysterious headstone

thats nice of him no threatening 'I'll make her be sorry' comments just him showing up w an umbrella

in the restaurant scene why does Mary see black goo come out of the mouth of Reginald's victim just another clue that the manga and the grave are connected to Reginald i guess??

OUCH

i tried to call twyla in the part where Mary needs to sleepover with someone interestingly u literally cant LOL twyla doesnt answer that makes sense tho

oho?? this is new a headache huh? and that music from the church when she was super sick is playing too ooh will she discover that Reginald's missing or smth?? learn more answers regarding the manga and the eye and the grave???

oh her phone is missing?? did Reggie take her phone? since he told her about the flashlight and Mary was like 'did he not realize my phone has a flashlight?'

maybe he took her phone bc its flashlight is bright enough that she would see that he isnt in the living room, unlike his flashlight

i am very incredibly nervous

OH WTF??? IS THIS HIS POISON MIXTURE?

hey maybe his antifreeze-poison thing is a mixture between antifreeze and rat poison since twyla said that it was 'some kind of' antifreeze that had a purple label but they werent able to find anything like that so maybe the label was actually a rat poison label???? or maybe im wrong LOL

ooooh it changes??? i went back and picked the middle 'grab something' bc i wanted to see if it was the same thing

it wasnt, obviously but also IS THAT MARY'S HAIR?? WTF???

what's the third thing

OH MY GOD

ok im gonna,,, im gonna continue with the first option that i picked if Mary doesn't discover the other stuff then i'll just re-load those saves and see

MARY DONT SMELL OR DRINK THE STRANGE LIQUID MARY?!?!??!

ah ok so she put it away and then u can pick to grab the other stuff alright

Mary dont rationalize the pictures,,,, they were taken without ur consent or knowledge Mary,,,,, Mary these are red flags Mary,,,,,

OH MY GOD ITS HER MOM'S NECKLACE ISNT IT OHHH MY GOD.

if i slept in her parent's room then this would be her plushie right?

"Is the Reginald I know... even a real person?" lol. lmao. no.... hes not,,, sorry Mary,,,

I KNEW HE HAD SMTH TO DO WITH ALL THAT WEIRD STUFF!!! I KNEW IT

jumped when the mirror broke lmaoo

oh god. i hope he doesnt catch Mary

oh no she's trapped :((( nooo Maryyyy

BBBBBBRRRROOOOOOOOO

oh fuck. oh no. oopsies...... i missed the quick time event im,,, Mary i am so sorry

bro wtf stay away from Mary?!?!??!

"It makes me sound like I'm crazy" my good sir you are crazy you are absolutely insane

"No matter how many times it happens" so there is time travel happening

that IS true i cant deny that but also,,, u like,,, thats not how u do it Reg

"You... love funerals so much. ...So I tried to provide you with as many as I could!" oh so THATS why he kills people ok,,,, ok then thats

yeah thats definitely not how u do it

how many times has he been like time travelling or like,,, looping i guess?? is it a time loop?? maybe??

HHHUH WHAT WHAT WAS THAT??? I DIDNT GE TTO READ IT?

i think it was purple text that said 'well since you asked so nicely' but im not sure?? im just assuming cuz she's out now so is Reginald behind the purple stuff? probably but like maybe its not on his side?? woah first time that some creature presented with purple is doing some good(?)/j

help?? Crowven??? i mean like yeah i would too but lets slow down for a sec

what the hell he just disappeared? and everything he owned too??

well that was a wild ride definitely more confusing than all the other routes and no ghost-communication too (unless the eye and purple text were ghosts?)

well im gonna process this ending, maybe ramble more to my brother bc he doesnt know anything and its funnier to theorize around him

i think im also gonna try to take a screenshot of that one purple text bc im curious abt it

next time i'll be playing i wont skip any scenes, and i'll be getting the true end on Crowven's route

[forfuckssakejim]

🎶🍷

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

i do actually! sometimes in my authors note i'll even divulge what song was playing or if a song inspired it (uh, hence a certain series thats purely to document my insanity with said artist) Like for example in Work Song i just so happening to be listening to that song by Hozier so it became my title since I was stuck. A few are from Hozier or Halsey songs. a few random ones like, uh, Billy Joel and Panic. But usually I just shuffle my playlist and i can get anything from today back up to like, the 50's or 40's. From pop and rap to metal and country. If anyone ever joins me on my discord streams i usually play music while I write and you can hear for yourself just how crazy my music taste is.

🍷 Do you drink and write?

a few times! or i write after drinking. mostly the later. I think i've even said in the notes or in tags 'sorry if this doesnt make sense ive had too much to drink' or something along those lines. hmm, let me see if i can find one. Oh! There's this one! that was inspired by a crazy week at work, my birthday weekend (cuz im a spoiled brat who has two birthdays and its considered a national holiday in my family) so i was def drunk and just channeling Bones as I wrote this: You Can Make Me Drink in which Jim talks about his and Spock's more personal life and Bones just wants to drink.

[post-modern-prometheus]

hey it's pretty late for me so sorry if this makes no sense or is weird but. im a junior in high school and college talk is kinda inescapable rn and it makes me very anxious but ive been following you for a while and its just really nice to see you talking abt enjoying college and having good friends and walking around in converse with a pocket copy of howl and being genderqueer and its like oh!! i dunno it seems less scary when i realize there's someone like me having a good time out there. so thanks for being you and posting about it on tumblr ig 👍

this just makes me. feel so much. bc middle school and high school kinda sucked for me and when i was that age i really couldnt see myself even surviving past then but now. i’m having the time of my life. my friend is in a band and we went to see him play at a bar last night, my roommate and i shared a shooter in the bathroom, and i rizzed up the sax player. last weekend my friends and i took a roadtrip to go see an artist (which also happened to be at a bar and we had to sneak in. college is really all about “be gay do crime” ig) and then went to a house show. bc frats and parties arent my scene. and i could tell right away bc i didnt dress or act like the people who go to those religiously. but that doesnt matter bc i wasnt alone and neither are you. even if the music scene isnt your thing, i promise there is so much more to college. you’ll find what you love and who you love. college is. the best. you meet so many people, but you also learn to love being by yourself. i walk around campus listening to music and audiobooks. i sit on random steps and in the grass and write. i do endless amounts of homework in the library or outside my apartment under the tree blasting records for the whole complex to hear. and you’ll find your people. my favorite story ab one of my friends is the time he got plastered and started puking and between heaves would recite lines of howl and the wasteland. the amount of poetry and old music posters on the wall in my living room is insane. we have tons of instruments bc we have this avant garde performance art punk noise band that we always talk about but have played like one gig and practiced twice. this got really long, but like i said, the emotions are getting to me n i’m slightly hungover (which if you’re stressed ab not really being into drinking DW i literally didnt drink until this year. good friends wont pressure you and if you decide a year later than everyone else that you wanna join in, no one will tease you. i don’t and will not smoke and no one ever tries to get me to. also if you do drink they take care of you. like i tend to fall asleep on floors and wake up on the couch of my friends�� apartments or in my own bed. people can be good- but ofc make sure you trust the right people when you’re not in the right state of mind.) and i just made this even longer and i don’t remember my train of thought but. i’m so touched by this and i feel for you and you will love it!

[psychotrope777]

some of my villager thoughts

bob - the newer lazy dialogue just feels unfitting for bob IMO… bob is consistently described as "laid-back" and his e-reader card implies he's a Gamer which feels fitting for him all things considered. his pocket camp profile implies he doesn't really have a filter. if you told me bob spends all day playing video games and frying his brain with THC i would believe you

croque - ive had croque twice i cant not comment on him. he was a new leaf release so i honestly dont have a lot to go off of but… his pocket camp profile suggests that he's incredibly stubborn (a nod to his daruma theme) and in both happy home games he requests a noodle shop theme. despite new leaf's crankies being comparatively a lot nicer than the ones in older games he does strike me as being more of a gamecube / wild world cranky. like a short curmudgeonly old man who runs a small restaurant like its the navy

erik - erik strikes me as kind of nerdy. i don't think he's "dumb" or anything like that but i do think he's probably kind of a recluse and says shit that comes off as rude because he just. doesn't really talk to people a lot?

eugene - in my head eugene will always be a tryhard that thinks he's cool. those are the depictions of eugene that i will die by. i don't think he's a "poser" necessarily but i think he tries extremely hard to emulate the artists he idolizes

goldie - iirc goldie's e-reader card stated that she says things she doesn't really believe just to make people happy. that's kinda how i view goldie. i don't think she's mean or catty or anything like that but i think she probably doesn't really understand how to navigate social situations and ends up just pretending to agree with the people around her so they don't reject her

goose - goose's e-reader card characterizes him as dismissive and pushy and that's kinda how i see him. i think he's kind of a stereotypical rude jock. it doesnt really help that he looks so. stupid. sorry. if the other jock villagers are the stupid but well-meaning ones that'll help you with your workout i think goose is the one who's a dick

monique - monique is probably my favorite snooty villager… i think she's THE snooty villager. has a bad habit of being passive aggressive. definitely day drinks. i mean look at her

shep - i love shep but honestly i always thought he was like, a stoner. i also always thought he looked like a grunge fan. i think he would listen to alice in chains, he also has the whole "country" look going on it kinda just makes sense to me idk. he and bob should hang out

wolfgang - honestly despite being a cranky villager i never really conceptualized wolfgang as being an older man. i think he's just a dick. we know he's been a gracie stan for all these years and i imagine he encapsulates everything that entails

[cerberusseraphim]

1/10/2024, 3 AM - 4 AM

im not entirely sure where to start.

as the first blog post, i feel like i should be organizing this better by giving a run down of my situation, but im not sure i have the full energy to do so. i can try.

im being abused. verbally, but im not unused to other kinds. Mammon is my older brother. i loved him once, but i dont anymore. as a child he raped and beat me, and i was always competing to be loved along side him. i lost, and my father has clearly chosen the son he prefers. im unsure of how this makes me feel anymore.

ever since i was home from the hospital i was apparently being sexually abused by my older sister. im unsure of how i feel about this as well. i guess it makes sense.

my doctor says i have CPTSD i think. i have voices in my head sometimes. used to think i was multiple people. im not unsure im not. i miss the others in my head, they've been really quiet for almost a year. i think they might be scared. i am too. im chronically depressed due to my circumstances and im unsure on how to get out.

i was raised to believe the world was out to get me. ive yet to shake this feeling. i was raised by my father mostly, who is a hyper paranoid man with untreated PTSD. unfortunately this means i get to suffer too. i am an adult, but getting any sort of job means i have to ask permission from my dad. he is unhappy with most jobs i apply for, only telling me he doesnt approve after i get a interview due to him not liking any area we live in as a place to work. we live in an area that has plenty of diversity, so you can imagine what he actually means when he says "these are bad neighborhoods". this is not an unsubstantiated claim, believe me.

i want my family to love me. they will never. i dont know how i feel about this. part of me doesnt care anymore. part of me mourns.

as i write this, im in another tense situation. i live with Mammon and my father. mother is dead, sister ran away to destroy other lives. i live in a one bedroom appartment with both of them. once upon a time, Mammon had a girlfriend who he lived with. she cheated, kicking him out and she keeps my cat due to my cowardly father getting a house that specifically forbids cats for his own ease of getting to work faster. i am heartbroken to be without my cat, but happy he does not live in these conditions.

the tense situation. my bad for going on a tangent.

Mammon is drunk. he is hardly ever not. he is a coward as my father is, he cannot feel his emotions so he drinks them away. it does not work. instead, it shows how much of a cruel animal he is. he is an angry man, and when he wants to drink he does not care who it disrupts. he abuses who he wants, he drinks as much as he wants with what little money he has, he claims he pays all the bills (he does not. father does. he just helps with a hundred or so bucks here and there) and therefore its his right to use me as a punching bag.

he paces the house and mumbles cruel words about me when he thinks i cannot hear. i can. he eavesdrops on my conversations with my friends, and attempts to meddle with my relationships based on the small amount of information he heard. he has lied to my father and has claimed to say terrible things to them- he has done no such thing. he lies to me and says they told him they all hate me and think im pathetic for everything. they do not know my brother, nor want to.

i keep going on side tangents in some attempt to give you context to my situation, im sorry.

Mammon has been drunk almost every night or early morning over the past 5 days. this is not uncommon. it disrupts my sleep schedule, when i try to have one. but last bender he did he grabbed at me- it should be mentioned all of these benders end in verbal abuse. occasionally he leaves me alone, but the anticipation for the abuse kills me just as much. anyway. he grabbed the hood i wore and ripped it off my head, grabbing a bunch of my hair in the process. it hurt. i should have hit him. when he does it again, i swore to myself id really hurt him. like, pick up a chair and beat him type hurt him. i dont want to be a violent person but no one else has beat the shit out of him for his attitude so i suppose i have to one day.

i have scary intrusive thoughts where im forced to kill him. i believe one day he is going to rape me again, then attempt to kill me in the process. i am scared then i will be forced to kill him. im scared i will enjoy it.

i hate Mammon, and i do think ill only feel safe when he one day dies. but i dont want to kill him. i want to hurt him and have him live to remember, but i dont want to kill. i am not capable of taking a life. even his.

i think somewhere inside i still love my big brother. i dont think thats whats stopping me from killing him, i cant kill because i refuse to- that includes killing myself.

anyway. he now wanders around wasting groceries in the kitchen. he tries to cook while drunk. only half of it ends up in the pot, the rest on the floor and walls. the food is only ever edible to him, but nothing else. its a miracle he doesnt puke it up.

the idea of food waste drives me insane. i hate it. he embodies all that i hate.

i wish i could heal from my trauma, ive been ready to begin the healing process. if only my brother would disappear, i could be some sort of healthy again.

[soapsquare]

void posting; dont read(or do, who cares)

well, in one hour i will no longer be a teenager, and it feels really weird. i know im definitely not alone in this but i do not feel that old, and maybe my autism doesn't help with that either, but even though im still relatively young i feel like im already letting my life slip away, like im going to miss stuff that haven't even supposed to happen yet. with my general apathy towards things im not interested in and severe lack of discipline combined i feel like i know im gonna miss out on so many things. it could be that its just fomo and i wouldt even like those things anyway, for example i know i dont like to go to parties mainly because i dont drink, but for some reason i still want to go to parties even though i know i wouldnt like it.

my biggest fear in all this is relationships (and maybe transitioning but thats for another time), ive never had a relationship, never kissed someone, hell ive never even had a crush. from all i see around me it seems amazing to have a relationship and i think that i would like it a lot as well, but for some reason ive never felt that drive to get a relationship. like in my mind a relationship is like something extra, some kind of luxury or so, like yeah i would like to have it but i dont need it. but because of everything really, i feel like im missing out on it despite the fact that i seemingly dont really need it. i feel the same way towards sex(which ive also never done(shocker)) like yeah it seems amazing but i just dont really care for it i guess.

ive always called myself bisexual because of what i said earlier about still kinda wanting to have a relationship and sex, but the thought that i might be aro/ace has always been on the back of my mind, and to be honest that kind of scares me

20 seems so old to me, when i think of 20 year olds i already imagine fully grown adults, i am not a fully grown adult, im a fucking child. but i dont need to say this, it has already been said a million times in a million different ways, and a million times better worded than anything i could ever write

if you read all this it probably doesnt make any sense, so sorry for that i guess im just not very good with words, but also why did you even read this lol as a reward have this picture:

update: yaaaay im fuckin tweny now wohoo i habing so much fun

[tigerdrop]

consider genderbent frenrey with me. please. yuri world. mentally ill pussy world

ive been really gripped with the idea of neither of them knowing the others a girl the whole time. on account of gordon freeman being "the player avatar" and benrey being "the ugly ass security guard model". like if we can say that dr coomer has been transgender the whole time then we can say that benreys been a he/him lesbian too. Whats it to ya

just think abt it. how much fun would it be if "gordon freeman" was a butch bitch who wanted to stream shit without people being weird so she never shows her face and gets Really into the role of gordon freeman to an unhealthy degree. canonically friendless gordon freewoman who wants to be known for being Funny instead of for being a Gamer Girl

personally. i think it would be cool if she was on that low dose T type shit. but a voice changer could do the trick too

consider how fucking insanely mindblowingly angry she would be if she found out that benrey was a girl too and every other member of the science team knew the whole time and treats her like an idiot. im going to quote my girlfriend bc she makes my ideas funnier than i do

and benrey would be fuckin sulky about it! gordon had him fooled too! where does she get off being so mad at him!

(sorry if the pronouns make this look straight to the viewers. He has a cyberpussy. which would also piss gordon off bc how does it even work when benreys a fucking video game character and doesnt even have junk. where does he get off having gender complexity)

its literally so funny to me that benrey would have interiority just to make gordon mad. this is true in any universe tbh

imagine a version of hlvrai where the player was streaming. like sorry i have to out myself real quick to argue with the computer. but her chats convinced that she just came out as a trans girl and theyre being very supportive . What does she even do now

ok. now that the preambles out of the way. the justification. i have to expound on some other thigns. In my mind she has a shitty ponytail and takes up wearing glasses and ties to look more like gordon freeman bc shes a freak. but she was already a "collared shirts and mens pants" type so its less weird than it possibly could be. "im just like him fr" says hikikomori lesbian who dropped out of college and has worn the same shirt for 4 days

shes the kind of person who gets really mad about "gamer girls" ruining her legitimacy as a "Girl Gamer". reach back in your mind to 2010 with me.......shes not like the other girls. shes not into dresses and makeup. shes into call of duty and esoteric energy drinks. she has something to fucking prove . undeserved sense of superiority ass

basically shes the exact same but with the extra layer of hyper-online gamer girl lesbian loneliness. a different take on the root of gordons friendlessness and lack of tact and bossy bitch attitude

youre getting the picture. now imagine if she reluctantly fell for the AI that became her best friend. Youre seeing

i think that benrey would still be into flirting with her and fucking with her when shes presenting as Gordon Freeman but with more of a jokey "i am baiting you into being homophobic" edge to it. and it would get weirdly intense after he finds out that gordons a girl too .

so its still got the same edge but i think he would start to develop real honest to god Feelings. the kind that makes him all sulky and jealous and needy

and at the same time gordons like. weirdly obsessed with benrey in the same way but in a way that kind of grosses herself out. like…….she wants so bad to have people take her seriously and respect her and especially so for dudes. as nearly anybody whos ever been "the single girl in a nerdy dude friend group" can attest to

does she have a crush on a fucking AI? or does she really want "the funny guy who pays lots of attention to her when shes playing A Guy" to be her friend without gender getting in the way?? who fucking knows. Or at least thats what she thinks until the big reveal

imagine gordon freedyke having an insane sex dream about benrey for the first time like the fucking day she realizes hes not actually a dude. I think she would develop a mental illness

hell honestly u could throw in some sexuality crisis stuff too. for fun. didnt exactly think she had a preference and didnt have enough self esteem to think it would ever matter. like at some vague point in the distant future shed have to find some tolerable guy to settle down with and go thru the motions. at least just to get family members off her case about "being 27 and having no real job or boyfriend or friends in general" and then benrey appear

itd be all the more embarrassing bc theres no getting around the fact that benreys model looks Like That. in this scenario there is no real sex appeal. but What If you were desperate and lonely and the person that talks to you the most is a video game character who is suddenly insistent that theres a girl under all the shitty textures. sure hes like polygons or whatever but hes also - theoretically, in the landscape of a repressed lesbian mind - a short and scrawny butch dyke with his hair cropped short and a snappy security outfit and bags under his eyes. and shes a pathetic bottom bitch who really likes being teased and has a bad habit of just blurting out her kinks in jokes

and benreys her best friend :) buddyyyy

shed be so mad at herself. like. even she is aware that this is a new low. but she cant stop herself from jacking off to the butch in her computer. "if he was real i would fuck him" turned very quickly in her mind to "if he could see this he would want to fuck me" turned to cum explosion

now consider how insane it would be if dyke benrey was calling her "dirty girl" in act 3 . if he were like a normal guy it would make her throw up. but shes imagining small tits and a tucked in collared shirt under his security vest and developing covid in real time

also you have to imagine that she starts to refer to herself as "gordon" outside the game too. on account of the mental illness.

its awesomefor lesbians to have guy names of course but consider: what if her last name was already "freeman" but her parents thought they were so fucking funny naming her "morgan". And she has to live with that every day of her life. "gordon" sounds close enough that she can respond to it without batting an eyelash and also doesnt embarrass her into the dirt

Anyway. See ya

frenrey yuri